Normally I am a "glass half full" kinda girl...but today I'm totally feeling like a "glass half empty" kinda girl!!!!
Things just seem so grim, horrible with no light at the end of the tunnel!! The smart part of me tells me to buck up, put my big girl panties on and get on with my day and my life and that everything happens for a reason and will be alright!!
My relationship with "hubby" is done, fineto, finished, caput, over....it sucks SO much!!!! It was my decision and he wasn't happy about it, but I am pretty sure its the right decision...I'd be lying if I said I was 100% sure...I don't think there is much in life I am 100% about, besides loving my kids! I could go on and on about the things he's done or said and paint him to be just awful (hence why we are splitting)....but that would be boring!!
Make no mistake I take 50% of the blame too...ok well maybe not 50% that seems a little high lol....but point is I know I'm not saint (I know your shocked right!!). I can be a class "A" bitch when I want to be, however I feel that the majority of the time my actions are more of a reaction rather then just "because".....
Anyways, back to the current situation....Hubby, or ex-hubby I guess his new name will be is moving out in 2 weeks, half of me is so extremly super happy to have him gone and have peace and feel comfortable in my house, and the other half of me is so extremely upset and distraught that my family is destroyed, that he won't be here anymore to share the dumbest things with or even just talk about whats for dinner with. I feel so so so so so guilty that my kids won't have their dad here everyday, and its 100% my fault, I chose this life, not them!! I made this decision to make myself happy, don't get me wrong I truly believe they'll be happy if I'm happy and that they wouldn't be happy living in a house of arguing all the time......BUT it still remains they are the ones who are going to be punished!! They are the ones losing their dad full-time!!
I know there are weekend visitations and he can come see them in the week, but its not the same not in the very least!!
My other big wallow is....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???? Why can't I find someone who loves me unconditionally, wants to spend the rest of their life with me (by their own choice)....I've now done this TWICE...yes folks I said TWICE!! My oldest, who is 9, he is with my first so called "hubby"...and then my younger two (6 & almost 2) are with current soon to be "ex-hubby".....you think I would have learned the first time but apparently I have been hit on the head with the stupid stick and do not learn!!
Ok well....that is my rant/vent of self pitty and wallow......here's hoping tomorrow the glass is half full!!!
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